Here Comes Trouble by Joni Johnson-Godsy
Those feminists at Punkassblog are at it again. There was a nice young man, who once sent me a letter, about why he felt feminist women would turn uni-sex like the hyenas. But of course those horrid ladies at Punkassblog had to make fun of the poor young man and me again.Phew! How much I have to grin and bear to be a Christian lady.In an article, titled, “He’s figured it out. We’ve been conspiring with hyenas the whole time,” these un-ladylike women again take potshots at me.The article reads:
My favorite anti-feminist, Lady Lydia, has discovered video blogging and once again reminds me that despite our differences, we have much in common. I, too, enjoy porches and folding towels into fun shapes, although I draw the line at embellishing a stack of ordinary folded towels.
And like Punkassblog, Home Living gets the occasional cry for help and tries to respond appropriately. Like this guy from Georgia (the country) who apparently learned English directly from the Bible and is easily thrown into a panic about things that won’t be happening:
A few months ago I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and he said something to the effect that in the near future, probably around three to five decades from now (years 2030-2050), that as a result of the ever-growing influence of feminism humanity will be altered to an extent that we will not even be recognizable as men and women any longer but will be likened unto the wild hyenas (those animals who have the ability to alternate their sexes at will). He calls this race a “rise of the unisex race”.
Ever since that prediction of his, I have been terrified by that, so much that it has been on my mind night and day (literally)…
I am trembling by such a thought, why isn’t God restraining their enterprise, why is he suddenly letting this happen when nothing like this ever happened before?
Sometimes I am almost convinced that we’re living in the last days and Christ is finally returning to judge this awful world. I really need a positive answer and a consolation to my constant worries, are my fears groundless? I sure hope that they are, otherwise I will never be able to live in such an dreadful world.
Most of Lydia’s commenters have suggested that our young Georgian calm down and focus on raising his own family; even the ones who agree with him that we live in the “end times” recommend getting a bit of a grip. So I’m going to skip past that bit, and also past our friend’s appalling grasp on evolution (species-wide catastrophic development and the obliteration of physical gender distinctions in 50 years? We’d pretty much have to do that surgically, and before we could even start that project we’d have to solve all the other problems all over the world first, otherwise it’s just good money thrown after bad. We’re still trying to get pay equality and decent conviction rates for rapists, fer crying out loud. I’m afraid that feminists don’t have the resources or organization necessary to Borg humanity even if we did want to do such a thing. So don’t worry, guys, you’ll get to keep your penis)
Anyway, I’m going to skip straight to the bit about hyenas. Because up till that moment, I had no idea that there were any mammals out there who could do that. Alternate sexes at will? Why wasn’t that in the Lion King?
In mammals, all intact developmentally typical males have a penis, but the clitoris in the females of the following species is sufficiently enlarged that it is usually termed a pseudo-penis: spotted hyena, squirrel monkey, lemur, and binturong. The labia of the spider monkey are elongated and may be similarly confused during display. Elongated labia are also observed in humans.
The mammalian pseudo-penis appears to be simply for display, although the hyena is an exception: erection of the penis (which is voluntary in both sexes) is certainly a display of submission in both male and female spotted hyena, but the female hyena additionally uses her pseudo-penis for urination, copulation, and childbirth. In addition, this makes it difficult for males to mate without the full cooperation of females, which helps the female dominated society of spotted hyenas to eliminate forced sex. 
Hyena males and females are about the same size, and the females have some kind of super-clitoris, but they are still male and female. As for creeping sexual ambiguity, for all the relentless screeching of feminists women are more than willing to resort to surgery to trim enlarged labia into compliance with the standards of having a ‘feminine’ set of genitalia.
So to our Georgian friend: it’s OK if we become unto the wild hyena, for they are not Godless hermaphrodites; feminists would be OK with this as well, seeing as the hyena has solved a problem we’ve been concerned about for years: they’ve apparently eliminated rape. Getting rid of rape would calm a lot of feminists right down, and like pufferfish when calm we’d deflate into something much less intimidating. Although we’d still be nagging for pay equality and whatnot.
If you wish to feel less anxiety, I suggest getting friends whose batshit insane theories aren’t buttressed by discredited Victorian-era biological factoids. Switching to modern conspiracy theories will open you up to a larger community of panicky wackjobs, and you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’re not alone.
The comments followed:
Hyenas give birth through their pseudipenises, which often tear and get infected. I’d rather not turn into a hyena, but if you all voted for hyenification at the last feminist conspiracy conference I suppose I’ll have to go along with it.
There are plenty of fish that can change sex. Have we spoken to them?
I can’t even find dude from Georgia funny. Too sad. The pit of ignorance just goes down and down and down.
Hmm, it’s almost like a mammal whose genitals were constructed so as to make rape well-nigh impossible would also have an unusually difficult time giving birth and/or having consensual sex. It’s almost as if anybody who has every argued that rape is somehow physically impossible in humans is very stupid. (I have heard this argument many times, but always from old people. I wonder if it has fallen out of favor for being so ridiculous?)
Possibly he meant Hydras? Those little sea creature things that look like celery? Either way, still very strange.
Huh. I’ve never tried the tactic of shutting down one delusion while encouraging another. Brilliant!
delalar- really? Feminist human hyenas not funny? I laughed my ass off. Oh wait. No. It’s still there.